May 20, 2005
Let's Put Our Heads Together
Last night I dreamed that I was sitting at a table with Jeff Mangum of Neutral Milk Hotel. I love that guy’s words, his genius creativity. His song “Two-headed Boy” is my personal anthem. He had a “nervous breakdown” he calls it. This morning, as is frequently the case, I’m thinking about getting myself a woman. That’ll fix me. Thinking about getting myself a motorcycle. That’ll fix me. Thinking about getting myself to the top of El Cap. That’ll fix me. Having children—can you imagine anything scarier? A crackhead, who’s barely holding down a job, raising kids?—that’ll fix me. On the platform, in a rider’s hands, I see a newspaper headline: “2-Headed Girl’s Ma Claims Miracle.” Yes.
Dreams are bad the first night or two after a sleeplessness in Seattle. Monday I think I was too tired to know, feel, or think anything. But Tuesday night when I laid down, I heard the footsteps of some animal running past my head, as if a heavy rat was running across the head of my bed. I think I had some physical struggle and that classic needing, wanting, struggling with all my might to yell thing. But it was a dream in a dream, where I recognized that the struggle was in my sleep that so I raised myself up, to wake myself, and come out from under the elasticky, stringy, sticky bread dough that was binding me and pulling my limbs and vocal cords in tight to my body, but even that was a dream, and finally I was able to get out a moan, and a feeble groan and realize almost simultaneously that it was early—9 or 9:30ish—and that the walls were thin—I could hear people just feet away out in the hall—and that my neighbors must be taking note of my behavior and wondering and judging. The whole thing seeming, finally, a metaphor for my life and current situation and feelings regarding it. And it reminded me of the time H and I went on a 3 day coke binge in early December after my ex left me, and how finally Sunday night I settled down into bed, after that big blow-up with A, and she and her boyfriend were in the next room, and I woke myself finally with a break-out cry, a wail that I had been trying to get out in my sleep and when I finally did, did it good, and then realize I just screamed out, and that A and her boyfriend heard. Embarrassing. Later, she told me that she thought I was just being weird and trying to fuck with them, or being a psycho asshole somehow. That’s about as weird—thinking that—as it was my doing that.
“Two-Headed Boy Part 2”
Daddy, please hear this song that I sing,
In your heart there’s a spark that just screams
for a lover to bring
a child to your chest,
That couyld lay as you sleep,
And love all you have left
Like your boy used to be, long ago,
Wrapped in sheets warm and wet.
Blister, please, with those wings in your spine,
Love to be with a brother of mine,
How you love to find your tongue in his teeth,
in a struggle to find sacred songs that you keep
Wrapped in boxes so tight,
Sounding only at night as you sleep.
And in my dreams you’re alive and you’re crying,
as your mouth moves in mine, soft and sweet,
Rings of flowers round your eyes and
I’ll love you for the rest of your life (when you’re ready)
Brother see we are one and the same,
And you left with your head filled with flames
and you watched as your brains
fell out through your teeth, push the pieces in place
Make your smile
Sweet to see,
Don’t you take this away
I’m still wanting my face on your cheek.
And when we break
We’ll wait for our miracle,
God is a place where some holy spectacle lies.
And when we break
We’ll wait for our miracle,
God is a place you will wait for the rest of your life.
Two-headed boy,
She is all you could need,
She will feed you tomatoes
and radio wire,
And retire to sheets safe and clean,
But don’t hate her when she gets up to leave.
Push the pieces in place
“Two-Headed Boy Pt. 1”
two-headed boy
all floating in glass
the sun, it has passed, now it’s blacker than black
i can hear as you tap on your jar
and i am listening to hear where you are
i am listening to hear where you are
two-headed boy
put on sunday shoes
and dance round the room
to accordian keys
with the needle that sings in your heart
catching signals that sound in the dark
catching signals that sound in the dark
We will take off our clothes and they’ll be placing
fingers thru’ the notches in
your spine and when all is breaking
everything that you could keep beside
no your eyes ain’t movin’ now,
they just lay there in their cli…
two-headed boy,
with pulleys and weights
creating a radio played just for two
in the parlour with a moon across her face
and thru’ the music he sweetly displays
summer speakers that sparkle all day
made for his lover who’s floating and
chacking with her hands across her face
and in the dark
We will take off our clothes and they’ll be placing
fingers thru’ the notches in
your spine and when all is breaking
everything that you could keep beside
no your eyes ain’t movin’ now,
they just lay there in their climb
two-headed boy,
there’s no reason to grieve,
the world that you need is wrapped
in gold silver sleeves
left beneath xmas trees in the snow,
and i will take you and leave you alone,
watching spirals of white softly flow
over your eyelids and all you did will
wait until the point when you let go…
ay de de…
Posted by peligrito at May 20, 2005 12:53 PM