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May 17, 2005
I'm sick. Anything we can do to fix that?
On my way to work this morning, I so didn’t want to go, didn’t want to be there, didn’t want to deal with any of that stuff. Uninteresting. Bullshitty. I’m tired. I feel like I’m in a fishbowl.
We have the weekly project status report meeting in the morning. During that, like during everything, I struggle to keep the eyelids from droop droop dropping. After, I’m going out to smoke a ciggy in the open stairwell. C & C, both partners are out there ahead of me. In the hall as I approach the door I hear C say something like “…D, he’s horrible!…” I pause at the door quietly and listen, naturally. I hear something about how he IM’ed J about it, didn’t you see it? The other C says no, he was facing M. I didn’t get all of it but I didn’t imagine it all paranoid drug addict like, and I pieced enough together to figure he was talking about about me sleepiness. I flush and turn to walk away, but I want a cigarette more than ever then, and I wanted to face them, not say anything or confront them, but just show up and see the reaction.
It was cold. I lean on the rail and look down the 7 stories to the sidewalk and street below. You know how you might imagine killing yourself, either for no reason but just to imagine it, see how it might feel, to understand it, to let yourself be real in life? And maybe sometimes a little more because you’re frustrated and sad and upset and embarrassed and angry or just one of those things, and so you picture it as a way out and imagine the aftermath, imagine how people would say they had just seen you and you seemed fine. How you had never said anything. How you didn’t seem the type, they never imagined, and the people closer to you, your family, your mom especially being angry at you, angry at God, bewildered, sad, fucked up for life if you’re egotistical enough. But you never really really think about it seriously seriously. Just a thought. A way to explore living. Well, I’ve had a few more of those over the past weeks than normal. But still I’m not suicidal. Just open to options, options that I consider and weigh, then throw out or adopt.
They kindly wait for me to finish my cigarette before going back in. I thought that was nice.
Back at my desk, it’s all confirmed. M says C saw me sleeping during the meeting. Jesus Christ, it felt like third fucking grade. The little tattle tale. Remind me tomorrow, I’ll post the transcript of the IM rather than rehash it here. I think it’s worthwhile for any number of reasons. Every line she typed over I stared at, running through responses, considering the suicidal but relieving one—“truth is, M, I’m a crack addict”—and wait for the shock, anger, and sympathy to roll out. Instead, I pick at the painful, scaly, hard skin on my thumb where lighter after lighter has chewed away. I say, “I’m sick.” And I don’t think I lie. And then a great irony, “Is there some pharmaceutical that will give you a little more get up and go?” Ha ha fucking ha ha.
But I was fighting back tears during a decent chunk of that long IM. I finally told her, as I’d wanted to for a long time, that I feel really bad that she went to bat for me for this job and I’ve let her down. I do feel guilty and terrible about that. She said she didn’t think I’ve been myself. I felt really good about that. I’ll let the rest speak for itself…
Later in the day, I wrote C a friendly FYI. I tell him that I’ve overheard and been told about what he’s been saying, that in case he didn’t know I’ve been struggling with a health issue that can really sap my energy, that I pop the caffeine mints, stand at my desk to type, bounce my knee in meetings to keep the adrenaline flowing…that it’s not because I just don’t give a shit. And finally, if there’s something I’m overlooking on the X account, or something I’m doing that he disagrees with, etc. please let me know about it. I thought it was direct but very nice. Not defensive. Not passive aggressive. Not whatever. He didn’t say anything to me. Not even when the SOW that we worked on together was finally signed (when we were told it wouldn’t be) because I reached out to the client today to follow-up on it. $15K of work. Most of which I will do. Not a huge task order, but I reeled it in today. He can be a little bitch, I guess. Funny too, how we had a conversation back in our friendlier days about how a tenet complained about the smoking in the stairwell and how C disapproved because the tenet went to the property manager instead of just talking to him/them directly. He specifically said he didn’t like that the guy wasn’t adult enough to handle the problem himself. Hello hypocrite!
Well, that’s how we are, we humaney beings. We’re full of it.
And I’m already eating more. Intake calories instead of intoxicants. Hit Shake Shack after work and then picked up some steamed cabbage and a veggie patty at the Jamaican place around the block after getting off the train. Going to watch the prime time movie. Convalesce. That’s not me. I’m not a fan of TV or sitting at home watching movies. But I’m tired. Still so tired. And I need to rest. To be entertained. To watch other people besides myself for a change. To believe in some other fiction than the fiction I’ve been telling myself.
Posted by peligrito at May 17, 2005 8:06 PM